Crazy Duck Grandma

I am in no way a morning person. Not even a little bit. You can ask anyone I've ever lived with - I have a no eye contact, no talking rule before I've had at least one cup of coffee. Anyway, I don't understand why anyone would get up any earlier than they absolutely have to in order to do things that are not completely necessary. But there is this woman, let's call her crazy duck grandma, who gets up every single day and drives to a parking lot next to the river at 8:25 AM in order to feed the ducks. This happened even when it was -3 degrees outside. That's some pretty intense dedication. She feeds at least a hundred ducks and swans every morning. It's not like she is bringing half a loaf of bread that has gone stale to these birds, she is bringing a GIANT bucket of bread crumbs. It is this big:

Seriously, I don't know how she lifts it. Or where all the bread comes from, for that matter. Is she buying multiple loaves of bread every day and tearing them into small pieces for them? Anyway, it is kind of sweet that this woman does this every morning. Today was a different story though.

I was driving in and saw this woman get out of her car, leave her door open, and go to the back seat to haul out the bucket o' bread, which to my surprise she lifted once again with no problem. She started pouring the bread out on the ground and on top of the ducks' heads and was so preoccupied with this that she totally missed the fact that one swan was walking away from her and all the other ducks/swans. It was heading towards her car and eventually got to the open door. After studying it for a minute the swan decided the warm car was more enticing than the stale bread and started to get inside the front seat. The woman finally noticed what was going on and dropped the bucket, causing all the ducks/swans to start fighting each other for the unprotected food. She ran over to the car and then just kind of stood helpless - I mean, what are you going to do? Grab a wild bird and try to force it to get out? That sounds like a disaster. When I left the swan was halfway into the car and showed no signs of stopping. I think that if it were me I would just give up at that point and find a new car. I kind of wonder what happened. And if she'll be back tomorrow.

Let's be friends, k? Thanks.

I have found my favorite client. Yes, already. This couple is just awesome, their baby is adorable, and they are really excited to learn about everything. Plus, they have a great sense of humor.

I went to their place the other day and was talking about feeding their baby. They had switched to formula a while back and were now introducing solid foods, so when I saw their old breast pump sitting out I was slightly confused. For those of you who have never seen a breast pump before (or never seen this kind of pump before) this is what it looks like:

So I asked the couple why it was sitting out and they both started laughing and got really embarrassed. The dad finally said, "sometimes I like to play ghost busters with it". I died laughing. Best idea ever.

Catattack

Sometimes you’re the one that makes the visit ridiculous. If you know me even a little bit you know that I am terrified, like seriously terrified, of cats. It is not an irrational fear – they sit there and stare at you with their judging eyes and then, out of nowhere, they pounce on you and scratch your eyes out. See, totally legitimate fear. Anyway, somehow the majority of my clients have cats.

When I walked into this particular client’s house I realized immediately that she had cats, not just one, but judging by the smell and the amount of hair that was coating every single thing in the house it was clear that she had several cats. I told her that I was allergic (which is a total lie but I’m not going to tell a client that I hate her pets). She told me that I would be fine and then proceeded to let the cats roam free. I still have no idea how many cats she had but I saw at least four. I was dying inside but somehow managed to focus on the client while attempting to block out everything else that was going on around me. Of course, because I was blocking everything else out I didn’t see the cat sprinting toward me. By the time I realized what was happening the cat was in midair and still coming at me. I shrieked and instinctively threw my body into the fetal position. Thank god I didn’t start rocking back and forth because my client was staring at me with her mouth open after witnessing this epic failure of self-control. Eventually I was able to pry my body out of my protective position and relax enough to finish the visit, but believe me, I made sure I paid attention to those cats while I was there. I’m thinking I’m going to view this as step one in my own immersion therapy.

Snotsplosion

It's winter here right now, which means that some things are unavoidable - snow, ice, single digit temperatures, unplowed streets, and of course, perpetual sickness.

At a visit the other day a three-year-old boy was playing in the room where we were meeting. At first I didn't even realize he was sick because I was focused on the fact that he was wearing a long sleeve t-shirt. Just a long sleeve shirt, no pants, no diaper, no underwear. But then I thought to myself, "it's your house little dude, do your thing". Then I realized he was sick, how I didn't notice this immediately is beyond me and makes me seriously question my power of observation. He was so sick that snot was covering his entire face. Covering. During the visit, my client was watching her daughter and the three-year-old. The three-year-old was extremely curious and was getting into everything, especially my things. He would occasionally wipe his slimy face on the couch and then continue to play with the buttons on my coat. When my client realized how much snot was literally streaming down his face she yelled for someone to get her a tissue. Then, out of nowhere, a toilet paper roll was launched at us. Luckily, she caught it before it hit my head but as she caught it the ends of the toilet paper tube exploded and used tissues rained down around us, covering both me and my client. After brushing them off, my client explained that they just stuff the tissues inside the tube and then throw it away when it is full. We continued with the visit and after about half an hour I left, wanting desperately to get to the Purell I knew was waiting for me in the car. I stood up, brushing the last of the used tissues off my lap and put on my coat and gloves, when all of a sudden, I felt a wet and squishy blob of tissue inside my left glove. Apparently the three-year-old had left a present for me. Thanks little buddy; good sharing.

That was considerate of you... I think.

The smell of a client's house can be one of the hardest things to get used to about home visiting. Everyone's house has a smell and, unfortunately, sometimes you leave the house with the smell stuck in your hair and clothes. That was the case during this home visit.

I walked in and could immediately tell that the residents were smokers and definitely smoked inside. After being there for approximately 45 minutes (and after discussing my client's smoking habits with her) I got up to leave. As I was putting my coat on I heard this spraying noise and felt a soft mist on the back of my head and neck. I turned around in horror as I realized that my client had just sprayed me from head to toe in Cool Serenity scented air freshener. The shock and frustration must have been clearly evident by my facial expression (one day I'll learn how to control that...) because she looked at me with pride as she told me that she didn't want me to smell like smoke all day because she didn't think I would like that. Cool Serenity is still burned into my nostrils. They might want to consider renaming it as I'm not entirely convinced it had the kind of effect the name implies. Just a thought, Glade, just a thought.

My attempt at preparation

Having worked as an intern in this program a few years ago I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I accepted the position. I decided that before I started going into clients' homes that it would be a good idea to stock my car with a few things that would (hopefully) help me recover from some of the more interesting visits. You can never be too prepared, right?

So far, the following items are in my home visit recovery kit:

*Purell

*Febreze

*Baby wipes

*Kleenex

We'll see if they help. I'm sure I'll be adding things to this list as they become necessary.